*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
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I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.