Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
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Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
BRAKING NEWS!!
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!
Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.
Judge, “Don’t.”
Me, “I rest my case.”
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.