Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
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“How do you do, fellow birds?”
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down