Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
You Might Also Like
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
karate teacher: shatter that board
me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched
teacher: not like that
board: *crying* yeah not like that
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly