I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.
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Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
passengers: *screaming*
pilot: yes I do
me: ohthankgod
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.