@PLATINUM2000

If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.

@PLATINUM2000

My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.

@PLATINUM2000

Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.

@PLATINUM2000

Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.

@platinum2000

How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?

@platinum2000

I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’

*Lies on the couch*

@platinum2000

“Get over yourself.”

*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog

@platinum2000

“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”

I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.

@platinum2000

You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”