Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
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Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
Free him
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?