If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
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If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”
{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait911: *sigh* did he have –
Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again
When libraries troll their patrons.
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text