at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
i have one speed and it’s mosey
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him