First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
i can’t wait that long
me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight