[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 🙂
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you’re still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this
[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
[invention of baseball]
Guy: I’ll throw the ball
Me: and I catch it
Guy: no hit it with a stick
Me: then what?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: what if I miss?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how