Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
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[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
sleeping beauty
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO
This could be us… but you playing
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.