Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate
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I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
when you are just born a rebel
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”