Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
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When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social
Cat:
Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous
Cat:
*power goes out*
Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*
Cat: you were saying
Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.