I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
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Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
I need to get some bricks…
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!