I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
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That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
Teach your children to beatbox
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry