My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
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saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.
*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.