My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
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[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*replaces battery*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*takes battery back out*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER
Smoke Detector:
Me:
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
This why you should mind your business
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit