Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
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Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.