If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
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Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF