@pondermymaker

You: Say something good about 2020

Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.

@pondermymaker

People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.

@pondermymaker

Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight

Narrator: He did not play his cards right

@pondermymaker

Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”