“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
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me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
Spotted in New Orleans.
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M