I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
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My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*