4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
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My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”