Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
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When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]
A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-
Me: -but your generation has already used 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘠𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 all up
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
Match dot com, but for socks.
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.