Me: I got a new car!
Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?
Me: It’s red.
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Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.
I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
I’ve had worse
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?