I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
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Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
The human personality is made of five key elements
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]