@portmanteauface

30: nice tv in front of the treadmill. Good way to pass the time while I’m getting in shape.

40: nice tv in the bedroom. Treadmill for sale, lightly used.

@portmanteauface

I was starting to get nervous until I got this letter offering to let me extend the warranty on a car I sold in 2006

@portmanteauface

September in New England: what a beautiful season, it’s amazing to see how vibrant nature can be as the warm respite of summer gives way to the elegant cool of autumn

November in New England: maybe if I get lucky that old dead maple will fall on me and kill me

@portmanteauface

Give me one good reason we shouldn’t train falcons to rip the heads off of parking meters

@portmanteauface

I’ve traveled for business enough that I’ve memorized the takeoff sequence of your standard commercial aircraft, so I like to yell “WHEELS UP!” about two seconds before I know that’s going to happen just to make the other passengers nervous that I provided a helpful reminder

@portmanteauface

Me: we just have such a close connection, you know? It feels like she could finish all of my sentences

Warden: that is absolutely not how this works

@portmanteauface

On a dinner date in college, my girlfriend had a seizure. An ambulance ride later, I was outside a hospital pacing nervously and smoking when an elderly nurse saw me and said “aww, you gonna be a daddy?” 20 years later I still lack words to describe the level of panic that set in

@portmanteauface

“This is where the magic happens”

– cliché
– kinda pervy
– false as you are not a wizard

“Welcome to the jungle”

– metal af
– implies excellent musical taste
– accurate as you are 40 and live alone amongst myriad houseplants

@portmanteauface

I wonder if anyone ever tossed a ship in a bottle into the ocean hoping that someone stranded on a desert island would find it and just absolutely lose their shit

@portmanteauface

Taking a shot every time someone in this zoom sales meeting said the word “enable” seemed like a fun idea until everyone in my department died of alcohol poisoning