ME: there’s a full moon this Easter, you know what that means



THEM: werewolf Jesus?

ME: *cocking shotgun* werewolf Jesus


At the grocery store yesterday I saw at least 20 people buy massive amounts of toilet paper, pay with debit cards, use the PIN pads, and then touch their faces. All I’m saying is at least the dinosaurs had an excuse


Me: I’m tired

My brain: turn on the tv

Me: but I need sleep

My brain: go pay some bills

Me: I’m so exhausted

My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes


BIRD FACT: cardinals often engage in prolonged violent fights with their own reflections and you know what cardinals, I’m pushing 40 I get it


I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it


I find that making meetings take less than 15 minutes and making sex last longer than 15 minutes elicit very similar responses


ME: *googling* how to lose weight

GOOGLE: exercise, healthy diet, no alcohol

ME: *googling angrily* exactly how bad is Bing


I’m not saying this one girl I dated in college wasn’t the sharpest tool in the shed, but she did say she thought it was the sweetest thing ever when I told her I still made ice cubes using my grandmother’s recipe


I bought up a shit ton of 60w light bulbs just before they got banned and I think it’s time to get rich selling them on the black market


[alarm clock, 6:00 a.m.]

Ok cool, I have time for breakfast and a nice shower before work

[third snooze button]

Alright, well, I have time for a coffee and a quick shower

[tenth snooze button]

What if I burned off my fingerprints and moved to south america