@portmanteauface

I’ve washed my hands three times and showered twice and I still have the smell on my fingers. Fresh rosemary is the herpes of herbs.

@portmanteauface

Eventually the pandemic will be over, and things will go back to something resembling normalcy, and life will go on for those of us who made it through. That’s when I’ll absentmindedly go into a bank wearing a mask and get shot

@portmanteauface

My town is so aggressive with recycling and waste collection that an alarm clock basically isn’t necessary. Monday mornings, it’s bottles and cans. Tuesday and Friday it’s garbage. Wednesday is paper and cardboard. Thursday is children up to age five, ONLY in approved containers.

@portmanteauface

City buses overheating their air brakes in very slow traffic sound exactly like whale songs. Especially with the right echo. With enough imagination, rush hour in the Lincoln Tunnel is like being in the world’s most obnoxious nature documentary.

@portmanteauface

30: nice tv in front of the treadmill. Good way to pass the time while I’m getting in shape.

40: nice tv in the bedroom. Treadmill for sale, lightly used.

@portmanteauface

I was starting to get nervous until I got this letter offering to let me extend the warranty on a car I sold in 2006

@portmanteauface

September in New England: what a beautiful season, it’s amazing to see how vibrant nature can be as the warm respite of summer gives way to the elegant cool of autumn

November in New England: maybe if I get lucky that old dead maple will fall on me and kill me

@portmanteauface

Give me one good reason we shouldn’t train falcons to rip the heads off of parking meters

@portmanteauface

I’ve traveled for business enough that I’ve memorized the takeoff sequence of your standard commercial aircraft, so I like to yell “WHEELS UP!” about two seconds before I know that’s going to happen just to make the other passengers nervous that I provided a helpful reminder

@portmanteauface

Me: we just have such a close connection, you know? It feels like she could finish all of my sentences

Warden: that is absolutely not how this works