@portmanteauface

Most winter birds have a certain quiet dignity about them but blue jays just jump around yelling random annoying shit like drunk frat guys

@portmanteauface

“Don’t skip leg day” bro my home office is two flights of stairs away from the bathroom, every day is leg day and I’d kill a stranger to skip it just once

@portmanteauface

Welcome to your 40s, if random back pain was money you could get Jeff Bezos to mow your lawn

@portmanteauface

As a kid, when my parents would tell me not to waste water, I knew enough about science to tell them you technically can’t because it evaporates and condenses and returns to earth in a harmonic cycle. Now I get water bills and wonder why they didn’t just slap me in the damn face.

@portmanteauface

Once when I was a child my family rented a little beach house in the summer. I awoke one night to the sounds of dump trucks downshifting on a steep hill, but when I looked out the window, the road was empty. And that, dear reader, was when I learned about my grandmother’s snoring

@portmanteauface

I’ve washed my hands three times and showered twice and I still have the smell on my fingers. Fresh rosemary is the herpes of herbs.

@portmanteauface

Eventually the pandemic will be over, and things will go back to something resembling normalcy, and life will go on for those of us who made it through. That’s when I’ll absentmindedly go into a bank wearing a mask and get shot

@portmanteauface

My town is so aggressive with recycling and waste collection that an alarm clock basically isn’t necessary. Monday mornings, it’s bottles and cans. Tuesday and Friday it’s garbage. Wednesday is paper and cardboard. Thursday is children up to age five, ONLY in approved containers.

@portmanteauface

City buses overheating their air brakes in very slow traffic sound exactly like whale songs. Especially with the right echo. With enough imagination, rush hour in the Lincoln Tunnel is like being in the world’s most obnoxious nature documentary.