
September in New England: what a beautiful season, it’s amazing to see how vibrant nature can be as the warm respite of summer gives way to the elegant cool of autumn
November in New England: maybe if I get lucky that old dead maple will fall on me and kill me

Give me one good reason we shouldn’t train falcons to rip the heads off of parking meters

I’ve traveled for business enough that I’ve memorized the takeoff sequence of your standard commercial aircraft, so I like to yell “WHEELS UP!” about two seconds before I know that’s going to happen just to make the other passengers nervous that I provided a helpful reminder

Me: we just have such a close connection, you know? It feels like she could finish all of my sentences
Warden: that is absolutely not how this works

On a dinner date in college, my girlfriend had a seizure. An ambulance ride later, I was outside a hospital pacing nervously and smoking when an elderly nurse saw me and said “aww, you gonna be a daddy?” 20 years later I still lack words to describe the level of panic that set in

“This is where the magic happens”
– cliché
– kinda pervy
– false as you are not a wizard“Welcome to the jungle”
– metal af
– implies excellent musical taste
– accurate as you are 40 and live alone amongst myriad houseplants

I wonder if anyone ever tossed a ship in a bottle into the ocean hoping that someone stranded on a desert island would find it and just absolutely lose their shit

Taking a shot every time someone in this zoom sales meeting said the word “enable” seemed like a fun idea until everyone in my department died of alcohol poisoning

Two squirrels are fighting to the death in my bird feeder right now and I think I’m finally ready to get rid of cable TV

Don’t get too excited about my shoe size ladies, I have to be able to fit orthopedic insoles in there