@portmanteauface
September in New England: what a beautiful season, it’s amazing to see how vibrant nature can be as the warm respite of summer gives way to the elegant cool of autumn
November in New England: maybe if I get lucky that old dead maple will fall on me and kill me
@portmanteauface
Give me one good reason we shouldn’t train falcons to rip the heads off of parking meters
@portmanteauface
I’ve traveled for business enough that I’ve memorized the takeoff sequence of your standard commercial aircraft, so I like to yell “WHEELS UP!” about two seconds before I know that’s going to happen just to make the other passengers nervous that I provided a helpful reminder
@portmanteauface
Me: we just have such a close connection, you know? It feels like she could finish all of my sentences
Warden: that is absolutely not how this works
@portmanteauface
On a dinner date in college, my girlfriend had a seizure. An ambulance ride later, I was outside a hospital pacing nervously and smoking when an elderly nurse saw me and said “aww, you gonna be a daddy?” 20 years later I still lack words to describe the level of panic that set in
@portmanteauface
“This is where the magic happens”
– cliché
– kinda pervy
– false as you are not a wizard“Welcome to the jungle”
– metal af
– implies excellent musical taste
– accurate as you are 40 and live alone amongst myriad houseplants
@portmanteauface
I wonder if anyone ever tossed a ship in a bottle into the ocean hoping that someone stranded on a desert island would find it and just absolutely lose their shit
@portmanteauface
Taking a shot every time someone in this zoom sales meeting said the word “enable” seemed like a fun idea until everyone in my department died of alcohol poisoning
@portmanteauface
Two squirrels are fighting to the death in my bird feeder right now and I think I’m finally ready to get rid of cable TV
@portmanteauface
Don’t get too excited about my shoe size ladies, I have to be able to fit orthopedic insoles in there