@portmanteauface

I wink at myself in the mirror and say “you got this” as I straighten my tie, pull on my suit jacket, and head down to the washing machine with a hamper overflowing with pajama pants

@portmanteauface

[getting carded]

21: awesome bro, I got this

30: seriously? whatever

35: this is really getting old

40: WILL YOU MARRY ME

@portmanteauface

bathroom

– crude
– played out
– may not even contain a bathtub

lavatory

– sophisticated
– continental
– may contain lava?

@portmanteauface

2000: the line outside the club last night was so long I tried to slip the guy at the door a 20 to get in

2020: the line outside the grocery store this morning was so long I tried to slip the guy at the door a 20 to get in

@portmanteauface

Looking back through old photos I’ve decided the most flattering angle for me is 1997

@portmanteauface

[before police questioning]

MOB BOSS: You don’t wanna find out what we do if you break omertà, we’ll take out your whole family if you give any of us up to those pigs

RICK ASTLEY: how many times do we have to go over this

@portmanteauface

Me: DO YOU SMELL WHAT THE ROCK IS COOKING?

My boss at the Alcatraz cafeteria: seriously one more time and you’re fired

@portmanteauface

The day my mother learned how to use emojis was the day I realized how good we had it with rotary phones

@portmanteauface

Growing Seasons of New England

Spring: herbs, beans, arugula

Summer: corn, tomatoes, asparagus

Autumn: pumpkins, berries, squash

Winter: despair