KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
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Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
Cats are still liquid.
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
Phones down.
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
💁🏻♂️
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking