Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
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this country is so goddamn polarized
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
*weighs self after shaving
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
technically true but not a great slogan
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary