@portmanteauface
ME: *googling* how to lose weight
GOOGLE: exercise, healthy diet, no alcohol
ME: *googling angrily* exactly how bad is Bing
@portmanteauface
I’m not saying this one girl I dated in college wasn’t the sharpest tool in the shed, but she did say she thought it was the sweetest thing ever when I told her I still made ice cubes using my grandmother’s recipe
@portmanteauface
I bought up a shit ton of 60w light bulbs just before they got banned and I think it’s time to get rich selling them on the black market
@portmanteauface
[alarm clock, 6:00 a.m.]
Ok cool, I have time for breakfast and a nice shower before work
[third snooze button]
Alright, well, I have time for a coffee and a quick shower
[tenth snooze button]
What if I burned off my fingerprints and moved to south america
@portmanteauface
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
@portmanteauface
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
@portmanteauface
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
@portmanteauface
Ladies, if he’s never gonna:
-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt youHe’s not your man, he’s tacos
@portmanteauface
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
@portmanteauface
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ