My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
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Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
– Tupperware
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
good morning
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?