People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
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My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
“I need to print something from my phone.”
“There are a couple ways we can try to do that.”
“I’d like to pick the way that will take the most time, with the most opportunities for user error and the lowest probability of customer satisfaction.”
“That is the most popular option.”
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
Britain be like
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.