Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
I once ate a Milk-bone as a kid and was happy I didn’t die so I celebrated by eating five more.
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.