Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
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my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
Art by Pastelkatto
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
This will never not be funny 😭
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.
Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.
Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.
Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.
[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.