@pplwtching

If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?

Now security is showing me out.

@pplwtching

Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.

@pplwtching

Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.

@pplwtching

Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.

@pplwtching

Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.

@pplwtching

As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.

@pplwtching

Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…

That I do not possess, apparently.

@pplwtching

Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?

@pplwtching

*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.