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Page of pplwtching's best tweets

@pplwtching : Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.

@pplwtching: If you're not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?

Now security is showing me out.

@pplwtching: Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.

@pplwtching: Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you... Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.

@pplwtching: Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.

@pplwtching: Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.

@pplwtching: As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.

@pplwtching: Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill...

That I do not possess, apparently.

@pplwtching: Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?

@pplwtching: *uses Sharpie to write, "do not drop" on your newborn's forehead before handing it back.