@pplwtching: If you're not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
@pplwtching: Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you... Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
@pplwtching: Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
@pplwtching: Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
@pplwtching: As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
@pplwtching: Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill...
That I do not possess, apparently.
@pplwtching: Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
@pplwtching: *uses Sharpie to write, "do not drop" on your newborn's forehead before handing it back.