I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
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dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.