Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.
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You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
This is my emotional support knife.
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
Clients after you give them your rates
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse