My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
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Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
I’m like a potato because I’m:
-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey