Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
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Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
the answer was staring at me all along
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?