Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
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He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
Spider-cat: No One Home
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…