wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
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[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave