Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
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you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
couldn’t resist
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
a public service announcement
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.