This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
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My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
This makes total sense…
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room: