The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
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My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services