People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
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I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
what’s the point then??
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
[dinner]
prince eric:ariel:
prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
I see your IQ test came back negative
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
Choose your fighter
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees