@professorkiosk

*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*

Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.

@professorkiosk

God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.

@professorkiosk

Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air

Michael Cera:

Sensor: *bursts into flames*

@professorkiosk

[first day as a billionaire]

Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero

@professorkiosk

Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.

@professorkiosk

Games are for those who like to restrict themselves arbitrarily to certain actions for a specified period of time in the hopes of “winning.”

@professorkiosk

Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.

Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.

Me: I said handstandwich!