I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.

**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop


computer: choose a password

me: TheScarletLetter

computer: password cannot contain symbols


[party city]

employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?

me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome


[playing the game of life]

instructions: the player with the most money wins

me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic


[playing checkers]

him: king me

me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate


Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.


[first date]

him: what’s the one word that best describes you?

me: I’m acerbic

him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia

me: no it means I have a sharp tongue

him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food