I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
computer: choose a password
computer: password cannot contain symbols
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
him: what’s the one word that best describes you?
me: I’m acerbic
him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia
me: no it means I have a sharp tongue
him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food