Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
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Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
“TGIM!” – My liver
Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
[1st date]
Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster
Him: we should check out my hot-tub later
Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin