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Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
new career option?
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”